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Monday, November 7th, 2005
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I just won tickets for the advanced screening of the GoF this coming Saturday. I don't think I could be much happier than I am right now.
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Sunday, November 6th, 2005
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It's been over a year since I updated...
and cause I'm aggravated with my father, I used his credit card to buy myself a new username. Anyway, I haven't been to sleep since saturday morning at 9 and it's been almost 24 hours and I won't go to bed for another 17 at least. I've been sewing ties.
Yes.
Ties.
For the Harry Potter USY event. So it's definitely worth it. Right?
I think so.
But alas, I'm only half way done with 4 and a half hours to finish them. Fuck.
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Friday, August 13th, 2004
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and we are reading olde entries from my journal...such as this one:
today, was, well, too todayish for me. my friends are mad at me again, for reasons i dont really know. and i feel alone. but i guess its just angst. maybe i truly am alone. i know i have people who love me but sometimes it isnt enough. i feel bitchy saying that, but its true. if they did care for me they should show it once and a while. they only show me when i am mid-nervous breakdown and they are like "rachel, honey, we love you. we are here for you." i dont want to feel egocentric and like steal them away from their other friends, but eating lunch with a big group of people, sometimes i feel even more alone, than if i was truly alone. i feel lost. my best friend is moving away and i want her to leave on good terms with me, but for some reason, i dont know why, i feel like she hates me. i know she will read this and either be a) mad or b) say she doesnt. so i am just sitting here unsure whether to actually include this part. and i feel like a coward for not confronting her about whats wrong. sometimes i just cant. i get nervous. people intimidate me. rachel-the bold, extroverted, friendly girl IS intimidated by, well, people in general. can never say what i want, do what i want, sometimes think what i want. everything has to be for others. i always have to think about what they want or how they will look at me. fuck, i deleted my old screenname because i was called a "poser" by some asshole kid i never even met. i guess i am a poser though; i shouldn't be self conscience. i am a poser of self conscientiousness. i hate me.
HAHAHHAHAH! andrew and i both laughed hard at that one...i think it was the black hair/pale skin that was really getting to me. so for everyones enjoyment because if he did truly respond to it, no one would see it but me and so it wouldnt be as hilarious...here is andrews response:
rachel, we cant be friends anymore. ur just...too bitchy
- andrew
p.s. u also have terrible BO
i just almost cried when i read that. i didn't spell bad freshman year!!! i smelled like abercrombie 8!!
so i leave for vegas tomorrow...oh and today was my birthday...but it didnt really feel much different...except i finally got to see matt (my cousin) whom i havent seen in about a year...
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andrew is my favorite person. we chilled with liz at the mall and then drew and i went to the movies and then to dinner at ginza. i mean, seriously, i love him to death. we had a two hour discussion on how doing drugs and getting drunk don't actually make you a cool person. and if you arent cool sober, then you really wont be cool drunk either. and then we shared a steak and lobster dinner. i mean, seriosuly, i can't really talk to any other guy but him and not worry about sounding retarded. andrew beats me in that one. but seriously, i don't have to worry about him judging me. though i know he does. but that doesn't bother me too much.
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so lix wants me to update? i'll give her an update.
myspace.com is by far one of the sketchy things i have ever participated in. . .besides those occassions behind the pink shopping center, but those live up to their "sketchy" name for a reason. so anyway, there's this one guy steve, who's totally nice and all (and cute) and we're hitting it off really well through those emailly things on myspace, and he invites me over. "My car is in the shop" due to the fact i am EIGHTEEN. you need to be at least "18" in order to sign up for myspace. so he's like, "eh next time." what? next time when i get my license?? in september? and now i'm getting messages from 40 year old men who are like "hey pretty girl." YEAH FUCK OFF YOU PEDAPHILE.
again, it is sketchy.
thanks, lix.
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Tuesday, February 10th, 2004
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mom (in the car home from netivon): so isaac i heard they only recorded you for one absence in netivon.
isaac: yes. i guess it's just the powers that be like me.
mom: you mean rabbi seltzer?
me: thats cause you're a boy--
mom: rachel don't say that!
isaac: there actually is a pretty large chance he is actually gay. i'm surprised he's not married. . .
mom: we were sitting in that conference and he was telling us that this boy did a project for him. Rachel, what was it? it was a dance--
me: a dance to the birkat ha mazon?
mom: and i'm sitting there thinking to myself, i wonder if the kid is gay too? i mean this is behind closed doors, i just wonder how close that dance actually got. . .
isaac: maybe it's a lap dance. Rachel if you have to do a project maybe you can give him a lapdance too.
me: ew. ewewewewewewew. isaac. ew.
that is all i have to say. ew. there is no way i would ever give my gay rabbi a lapdance. not that he would like it anyway, seeing how he is infact a closeter.
shoot me.
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Sunday, February 8th, 2004
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aahhhhhhhhh mad crazy weekend! so friday night i was supposed to get together with little ben goldstein. but he decided to go to some stupid basketball game at school instead. so the big padre and i watched 5 straight hours of stand up on comedy central. twas mucho fun.
saturday morning doesn't really matter much. it felt extremely short in comparison to saturday night. so i get this call from Lixie around the afternoonish time, and she told me Ty wasn't coming to the show (10 Car) that night. and so i was like wtf^^. then she started to do that stuttering-never-mind thing she does when shes uncomfortable saying something, cause she was obviously trying to tell me something about the show. so when she finally spit it out it was a "don't wear what you wore to school on monday" aka prepgear. or my more modest version of prepgear. my response: liz, i know if i wore a lacoste shirt and pearls there's a large chance i might get knifed.
lol.
she then warns me that the people at these shows aren't really all that nice, and they probably won't say hi to me.
so about 70000 phone calls later (just between me and Lix) i am at the show and it is about 7:00. i get out of the car and who do i see? Jeremy Schon. HE'S SO CUTE! in an anorexic alcohalic teddy bear way.
so we go upstairs cause it's fucking freezing outside and lix shows up about 5 minutes later. she introduces me to jesus, and jen and a bunch of other people whos names i cant remember. and then we go outside for a smoke. or a few. i give joe ten bucks and Lix told him to get us two boxes of camels, but when he comes back in his stoned stupor, he only has one and was like, "i thought you said. . .only one. . .wait." and lix takes them, then i take them from her,
LIX: "BUT THEYRE MINE!"
ME: "Bitch, i paid for them."
LIX: "NO! . . . wait. oh yeah. BUT YOU SAID YOU'D GET THEM FOR ME."
i laughed.
and then gave her 6. i told her next time i see her and he has a pack she's giving me six. she told me she gave Ty six for no reason. and then i laughed.
so i met this hot freshman named Jon (john?) who kept on kissing me. today lix told me that everyone thinks hes hot. he is. with his blue mohawk.
so i hung out with joe for pretty much the entire show. he was hilarious, the first thing i said to him was "do you remember me" and then felt insanely stupid. he met me for the first time last year at the HFStival and he was high, so uhh yeah.
ME: "i remember you had a blue mohawk."
JOE: "i did?"
ME: "yeah, it was big, and blue."
LIX: "she has a good memory. that's why i keep her around. she's useful."
JOE: "i DID have a blue mohawk."
ME: "yeah, it was like retarted, it kept on falling over."
a few minutes later, all of us casually smoking.
JOE: (looks at lix) "Do you know what i did this morning?"
LIX: "what?"
JOE: "i woke up. and smoked three bowls."
lol.
so then we went upstairs and i found jeremy again. and that was when i saw him.
krappensoff.
i wanted to shoot myself. he looked like a TOTAL ass, with his fucked up mohawk that looked like a bird sat on his head after having taken a shit, which made it look flat in a few areas. So i hid behind Jeremy, being that he is taller than me...
as most most people are.
and then i told jeremy i needed to escape. so we walked over to the corner and i had my back to everyone, hoping he wouldn't find me.
but as luck would have it, as jeremy and i are looking at the concerts in music whatever the fuck the paper is called, i feel two hands on my hips and some squeeky-fucked-up-i'm-so-punk voice say "Hey Rach!"
ok. who fucking calls me rach anyway?
andy.
ew.
ew.
ew.
so im like, "hey andy" then turn around and TOTALLY ignore him for like five minutes while he stands there like a complete douchebag. and i just continue my conversation with jeremy. so finally he's like "i think im gonna go mosh a bit." HA.
so then i find lix and we look for anne. who we find. and she doesnt recognize me. so im like "anne (in a sad face) do you remember me? im rachel katz--" it was actually pretty fucking funny. she like JUMPED up and pushed my hair away from my face and was like "IS IT REALLY YOU!?"
So we talk for a bit, and then joe comes over with his glasses off and was like "hey-do you know, how, like, when your high? and you take your glasses off? everything looks like a cartoon?" lol. we were laughing our asses off. Then lix gets this great idea to tell anne and joe that im dating krappensoff. i satrted screaming "NO I'M NOT! NO I'M NOT! NO I'M NOT! NO I'M NOT! NO I'M NOT! NO I'M NOT! NO I'M NOT! NO I'M NOT! NO I'M NOT! NO I'M NOT! NO I'M NOT! NO I'M NOT! NO I'M NOT! NO I'M NOT! NO I'M NOT! NO I'M NOT! NO I'M NOT! NO I'M NOT! NO I'M NOT! NO I'M NOT! NO I'M NOT! NO I'M NOT! NO I'M NOT! NO I'M NOT! NO I'M NOT! NO I'M NOT! NO I'M NOT! NO I'M NOT! NO I'M NOT! NO I'M NOT! NO I'M NOT! NO I'M NOT! NO I'M NOT! NO I'M NOT! NO I'M NOT! NO I'M NOT! NO I'M NOT!" at the top of my lungs and annes like "you're not what sweetie?" then she hears lix and is like laughing/frowing/hugging me: "its okay sweetie" then joe finally comprehend what she said and starts yelling "I WANT TO KILL THAT MOTHERFUCKER! if i fucking see him in the pit im gonna fucking beat him up!" i encourage him.
so then more smoking outside.
ME: "yeah. i'd fuck him."
LIX: "who?"
ME: "joe."
LIX: "hey joe! would you fuck her (points to me), i'm whoring her off for two dollars."
JOE: (checks his wallet) "damnit, i dont have any money."
then we go back upstairs after the cigarettes are done.
more hugging with jon, joe, and the other guys who were there whos names i cant remember. although one looked like mikey berkowitz with long straight brown hair.
then we go outside for another smoke. and talya comes walking down the strret. jen and i run and attack her. and shes like "arch! im so happy you came." and i felt happy. :) hooray. so then anne and joe and i are talking about joe's older brother. he's like "yeah, when i was little, he put me in a laundry basket and threw me down the stairs. and he hit me with his car."
so after like 20 minutes joe and i both decided to go back upstairs. we walk up to where the pit was and jon picks me up and scream "HEY LOOK EVERYONE! I CAUGHT ONE!" and im like dying and then he tickled me. and kissed me again. lol. so lix and anne come back upstairs and and joe has his glasses off again. this time he sees lix. "IT'S CARTOON NETWORK!"
pause.
"AND SHE'S ANIME HOUR!"
Lix and i look at eachother. and then we die.
WTF!?
so anne came up to me a few minutes later and was like, "talya wants me and you to go outside." so we go. and i drag joe, whos like "where the fuck--where--wait--where--wait--where are we going?" after i had told him more than once. outside. outside. lol. so anne goes back to look for lix and ty said her head hurt cause she took some pills and everyone was screaming, so she leaned/nezzled against me for a while. and then me, anne, rez, ty, and joe walked over to barnes and noble but then we decided to go to joes car instead.
Ty: "joe, wheres your car?"
Joe: "ummmm--uh--i dont"
Ty: "Joe where did you park your car?"
Joe: "i think--i think behind the--ummmmm--behind the recher."
so we walk to joes car so we can smoke, which is prohibited in barnes and noble. pussies. while we were walking, joe put his arm around me saying "body heat. body heat." lol. but i think he just wanted to put his arm around me. all of the sudden he goes, "i remember!" so im like remember what?
JOE: "i remember what i took!"
ME: (laughs) "what?"
JOE: "well after i woke up and smoked three bowls. i had these pills in my hand."
ME: "and then they were gone?"
JOE: "and then they were gone!"
when we get to the parking lot, he had NO idea where his car was. but we kept following him anyway. he told us that he remembered parking in front of a sign. and then he walked right up to his car. i was amazed. so we get in, (me anne and rez in the back and joe and ty in the front) and ty and i smoke and joe puts the heat on. but the heat isnt heat. its cold air. about 15 minutes later ty goes, "dont you have to have the engine on for the heat to work?"
so ty decides she wants some alcohal, so we all walk to pizza palace, on the way seeing jesus and lix. lix had gotten kicked in the face by some mosher, and it turns out her nose is broken and she spent a while in the E.R. today.
so i go over to say hi with joe but ty and rez keep walking and anne is going around the corner when i yelled to ask her where she was going. she did that come hither thing with her finger so i ran to catch up. we get to pizza palace, and rez goes in the liquor store next door, and ty and anne order onion rings. finally joe shows up and anne was like "joe you slowpoke!" so he put his arm around me and then i leaned against him. his chin can rest on the top of my head. i feel so short. so then we walk back,
TY: "joe gimme your keys."
JOE: "WHAT?! no! I DONT TRUST ANY OF YOU!"
ANNE: "what about me? im your second best friend!"
JOE: "i dont ever trust NUMBER ONE with my car!"
REZ: "thats cause number one landed himself in the mental hospital."
and rez grabs the thing of onion rings from ty and runs across the street. ty tells joe to walk me back to the concert and then she and anne chase after him. Joe's like "well i guess i'll walk this little lady back now."
heh.
so he put his arm around me again. as we get to the cross walk (the light said 'dont cross') hes like "fuck it i dont care what it says" so we walk, and then cars start to turn, so i tell him to run, and hes like whatever. i told him that i knew he'd gotten hit by a car before, but i sure as hell didn;t want to. then he told me he'd throw me out of the way and let the car hit him. so i told him that i wouldn't want him to get hurt either. his response? "i probably wouldn't even feel it. i'd be like 'HEY MAN! QUIT TAPPING ME!'" so as we walk i asked him for his phone number:
ME: "so i can like call you and be like, 'hey joe, come over. so we can fuck.'"
JOE: "hmmm. . . well how about. . .i give you my phone number later, and i kiss you now?"
hehe. so we kissed. and then cars started to honk at us as they passed. it was funny. but i don't even think joe realized it. so i drag him along back to 10 car and i pass andy straddling some chick and as we walked by he looked up at joe with his arm around me and looked sad. i internally cackled evilly. joe and i start kissing again and then ty comes up behind him caring a dasani bottle filled with beer, "JOE! come on we need to go to your car!" so i get his phone number and then as they are walking away, my dad pulls up.
we get home, find out our neighbors are having a gigantic party with insanely loud music blasting and all i want to do is go to sleep. so i put my headphones on. i am such a hypocrit.
so i pretty much did nothing today. except i forgot to take my meds. so it's actually taking a lot of effort to type this without typos cause my hands are shaking. (i've been typing for about 3 hours now.)
and i still smell like cigarette smoke. thank god my parents are pretty naive.
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Wednesday, February 4th, 2004
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i haven't really done any homework thats due tomorrow. hooray. so anyway, i just spent like 2 hours fixing the appearance of this piece of work here, and before that i was writing. Mind you, i have no idea how to write HTML, i just used what lixie had put in and i tinkered with it for a while. so i think the reason why i dont write in here often is because i have an actual journal,like paper and pen, and i think i just trust it more. this is so impersonal, and it's almost as if i'm writing it for the world, while my diary is more like for my descendants. oww. my boob hurts.
as of late, i've been getting random shooting pais through my body, and i have absolutely no idea why. it's odd, when im just sitting in class and all of the sudden i feel the need to rip my arm out of its socket. if anyone ever sees me twitching, have pity on me, i'm hurting. :)
so for the boy situation (as there always is a situation) theres one boy, who i've known for a few years through camp, who thinks we're dating, though i'm not so sure if we are. Then there are two freshman, with the same initials, coincidently, (one at my school one at carver) who i think are both absolutely precious and would jump at the opportunity to date them (lixie says im a pedi. . .i think her daddy's a pedi). then theres still adam, who i really dont like anymore, but much to naomi's chagrin, he still likes me.
so my mom and i are getting along a lot better for some reason that is unbeknownst to me. She just seems friendlier in general. the only fight we've really gotten into in the past few months actually happened to be in front of naomi about a pair of tight ripped jeans. odd.
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Monday, February 2nd, 2004
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soooooo, why in god's name am i always fucking exhausted? i feel like i'm pregnant or something. . .i mean i've had the boob growth to prove it. as well as the weight gain. but we wont linger on that subject, my mother takes care of that for me. see the thing is, i could give more of a flying fuck what she thinks, so i don't need to dwell on her opinion of me.
i am updating, a rare and joyous occasion, to say that i am a much happier person than i used to be. i was talking with my rapist and she seemed proud of me. she was like, "rachel, you have progressed so much in the past few months and i think that you should celebrate." i then proceeded to tell her "thanks, but i'd rather not throw a big fucking party saying, 'look at me! look at me! and check out my position of the depression scale!' i mean, you must be on crack, Fran, to even SAY you should celebrate."
what can i say, i was having a bad day. she was a bit taken aback, but she is my rapist after all and i only see her once every other wednesday.
so a few weeks ago, elle and i went to new york and saw taboo. i must say, i am now obsessed with the guy who plays Boy George. if anyone reading this is going to new york in the next week, i recommend this show. otherwise, sucks for you, rosie o' donnell is closing it. poo. but anyway, we had sooooooo much fun and my mom let us just walk around alone, not that shelley knew or anything cause uhh she would totally flip a shit, but you know.
so i was going through old pictures and i came uppon a picture of my dad before he went on steroids and stuff. he was actually kinda cute in a little boy way. though he was like 20. he seemed kinda under nourished, but then again, i guess he was, considering he ate a lot of mustard sandwiches cause his parents were kind of negligent. he fit into my mum's t-shirt, which he was wearing in the pic. scary.
i also counted all the baby photos lixie and i are in together. there were over 100. my mum was prolly photo crazy though i dont remember it, cause like, i was too out to lunch to see a fucking camera in my face.
i also had a lot of ypss pics. a lot of the past year. me and naomi. me and marni. naomi and marni. me naomi and marni. then lots of me and my men. i mean boys. like nick, mcgee, aaron, jesse, dan, ben, the twins, sam, and such. i put a lot on magnet boards in my room. they look hot.
so tight now my mum thinks im doing some sort of spanish project that doesnt actually exist. naomi thinks its funny about how much shit i tell my mum, over trivial things too. i dont know why. like when she asks me if im wearing socks and im not, i usually say yes. its odd. but then again
so am i.
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Sunday, December 7th, 2003
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when i woke up this morning, i knew it was going to be a god-awful day. i just could tell. so waking up was great fun
mom: RACHEL? ARE YOU UP YET???
me: ::not really:: yeah mom. sure.
i get into the bathroom and i try to put my hair up. but it's too fucking dirty in short. so i flip out and have a nervous breakdown.
i knew i was due for one sometime soon. it had been way to long. i can't even tally the numbers anymore. sad, huh? so i cry hysterically and act like i have no mental capacity at all (which at the time i didn't, really) so, now here i am. at home. lined up for quite a few appointments with my rapist (therapist), an add test, and depression counsling with my medical doctor. this years going to fnish with quite a bang.
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wow. it's been a while hasn't it? isn't it funny that my last entry began the exact same way? no. i guess it really isn't. so what has happened to me since last may? a lot. so the summer was awesome. i mean naomi jacobs 24/7. and naomi jacobs = fun.
d0LLh0u5Eminx: we were just fooling around
eurotrashxoxoxo: you have a reached an all tiem low i am sorry to say
d0LLh0u5Eminx: we always do
d0LLh0u5Eminx: whenever i see him
eurotrashxoxoxo: and the excuse we were bored does nto wrok
d0LLh0u5Eminx: WE WERE!
d0LLh0u5Eminx: and i was horny
eurotrashxoxoxo: hmm
eurotrashxoxoxo: were other people arounf
eurotrashxoxoxo: ?
d0LLh0u5Eminx: hahah
d0LLh0u5Eminx: but they couldnt see us
eurotrashxoxoxo: what?
eurotrashxoxoxo: what doe that mean
eurotrashxoxoxo: were you like pretending you were invisible
i love her to death. as much as i love the next crackhead. but seriously. camp. naomi and i were cits at summer stock this summer together. with marni. god. we were like naked. all the time. and nobody cared. like i mean. the girls didn't care. we were comfortable. damnit. what ever way i try to express that, it doesn't sound right.
i am not a lesbian.
i am not a lesbian.
i am not a lesbian.
not like being a lesbians bad. cause it's not.
OKAY! moving on. camp. god. i had such a great time. minus all the boy issues. but i can't be rachel katz without boy issues, can i? so there was getting over adam. thought i was over him fine. wrote like 5 letter that i never mailed. cause i would adress an envelope, put a stamp on it, seal the letter in, take it out, re-read it, and feel like a total asshole. asshole as in idiot. the letters were awful. sometimes i would vent about random shit. a.k.a. THE HELL WEEKS I WENT THROUGH DEALING WITH THE FACT HE NEVER TOLD ME HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND AND JUST TRIED TO BREAK IT OFF WITH ME WITHOUT TELLING ME SHE ASKED HIM OUT LIKE THE DAY AFTER OUR LAST DATE. ahh, i love the smell of bitterness in the early evening. moving on. almost sent him a package. didn't. i thought that if i avoided most contact with him all together it'd be fine. cause getting over guys is so much easier when you don't see them. because you keep that shitty last impression tattooed in your memory. well, now i see him a lot. and the summer helped, so now we are at least friends. and his girlfriend is bitter. and feels threatened by me. that makes me happy.
god i'm sick.
anyway. so at camp i needed to engross myself in other boy issues so i could cry over something trivial, because i refused to cry over adam more than once. and that once was wasted on a phone call to him. right when i found out. so there was nick. who was adorable, and nice, and funny, and sweet, and illegal (he was 18, but when has that stopped me before), and had a girlfriend at home in indiana (yes indiana, accent and all), so obviously i was pinning over something i couldn't have. but I ALWAYS DO THAT! i actually had this conversation today with ari beser. kind of weird person to have that conversation with, but i had it nonetheless. i always go for guys i can never have. it makes getting them more of a thrill, and if i can't have them at all, then i try harder the next time. so thats why i am so bored in realtionships where a guy throws himself at me (so far that has only happened once), and thats also why i had so much more fun when i wasn't actually allowed to date. technically, i'm still not allowed to date. not till i'm 16. fuck that. back to my point (there is no point, but why does that matter), i am obsessed with "hard-to-get" assholes who (are usually blonde, adam being the exception) are badass. or if i can get them, act as if what we are/were doing is like technically forbidden. it's kind of sick when you think about it. i enjoy the thrill. the adrenaline. that's why i lvoe roller coasters. and that's how most of my relationships with guys are. that's also why i can see myself in such fucking bad situations. like abusive marriages. but that's why i have naomi. she tells me the truth. most people wouldn't. liz would too. they are really two of the only people i trust to tell me the truth about the stick situations i get myself into. like naomi was the first one to come and tell me adam isn't worth my pain. and he's not. i can move on. and i have. no boy is worth as much strife as i went through with that boy.
so. camp. then there was brennan. who was badass-skater-rat. but then again, nick was a better skater. but brennan. cute. though younger. i like older or same age. immature. red hair. light eyes. adorable. but asshole. hence my being attracted to him. i surprised myself with liking nick. because he was such a sweetheart. i didn't know he had a girlfriend. so i didn't even know i couldn't have him. but i eventually found out. and wanted him more. but with brennan. i had liked him before camp started. we had been talking online a lot. so i got to know him. but when we got to camp, he was such a goddamn player for such a little brat. sorry, but he wasn't worth my time either.
i find myself in these situations more and more often. where i finally realize what i had been striving for and chasing after, wasn't actually worth it. i feel like one day i'll wake up, turn over, look at my husband, think of my kids, and career, and think was it all worth it? i hope the answer isn't no. would that be better that my other dilema i see myself drifting into? an abusive husband who walks through the restraining order, so i have to go to an abused wives shelter? i really don't know.
so. camp. i have to keep trying to get myself back on track. then there was alex. there isn't much to say here. the only reason i really liked alex was because he liked another girl. twisted. i'm so fucking sick of myself.
so after camp i worked for a while in a beauty parlor. i sold decoupaged shoes, jewelery, washed hair, booked appointments, french braided, did most up-dos, swept the floor, made coffee, fetched food. i was technically the goffer. i got paid well; 7 an hour. i worked 3 days a week. then suddenly. i was fired. brenda (my boss) had to let off all part time employees. she couldn't afford us. ehh. shit happens. i still have yet to get the motivation to find another job. i was really quite content with that one.
i'm such a fucking slacker.
ao then my dad took me to florida for a week. i realized just about how fat i think i am. everyones like "rachel! YOU ARE NOT FAT!" but i feel the need to shed pounds. a lot. i went through another bullemia faze there. lasting untillllll about 3 weeks ago. where again, i realized, this is not worth my time.
so in florida i found out (not that he knows or anything, because he doesn't) that my dad had yet ANOTHER girlfriend. I mean, i had already had a feeling, after looking through his drawers (i was looking for money cause i needed to pay back someone for lunch) and i found a pair of womens underware, which certainly were not my mothers which he felt the need to take from her when he moved out. they were pink. and lacy. ew. so anyway. the girl friend facor? not legal. at least in my moms book. i'm sure in truth, it IS actually legal, but whatever she feels the need to tell me. kind of like how she tells me i'm fat. not in those words of course, but when you are eating carrots and she starts yelling at you for over-eating, it gets to a point where you have to feel a bit self conscious. and people ask who puts these thoughts of obesiety in my head. my mother.
so in florida, my dad is leaving a message on this woman's machine; Dr. Marlene (INSERT SOME WEIRD-ASS LAST NAME HERE). she had a relaly foriegn last name that is slipping my mind right now. it begins with an H. so anyway, he's like "uhh. this is Dr. Katz, calling for Dr. Marlene. i can understand if you don't want to talk to me. but i feel the need to apologize. i am very sorry. please. please call me back. you know my number," so i was thinking ' bit sketchy, ehh?' yes, yes indeed. so when i got home from florida, i decided to investigate. it sounded as if the phone message was an apology, (no shit) so i figured he must have dumped her. and i figured correct. so not only did my sherlock-work lead me to over 30 love letters, but also the letter she wrote to him in response to him dumping her. and a picture (hideous really). and her phone number. stored in his phone book on his cell, under M. and $200. (i only took some.)
so soon school started again. last year i had been elected Mem/Kad (membership/kadima, which is membership for my group/ kadima=little kid youth group advisor) with my friend julia. then our executive vice president left the group. so i decided to volunteer my services as exec vice.
i knew what i was getting myself into.
guess who the president is.
ADAM! hooray for rachel in yet another compromising situation. so i mean. i've moved on. so it shouldn't matter, right? wrong. of course that's wrong.
of course i am still attracted to him. why? because i can't have him. because of his bitchy jealous girlfriend who's a monkey. she looks like a monkey.
so, so far i've been fine.
school. i feel so lonely. a lot. i mean. i knwo some people like me. and i still have naomi. but recently (i.e. the entire year as of now) i find myself feeling more and more alone. naomi is like my savior, jesus christ, if you will. whenever i am feeling really down, she is there. and i love her for that. she is my best friend. and ican say that without thinking of anyone else (besides liz who ranks there too). rebecca and alana used to be my best friends. but i can't relate to them anymore. i still love them to death. but there is no common ground. i have more in common with alana, but rebecca isn't social (lately i can't say i've been to social either, but. . .) at all.
sensitive subject.
i get along better with people i've never met. i have nothing to lose. i feel like i can act myself. because they didn't know me before that moment. i can be spontaneous. wild. lush. reckless. i can do whatever the fuck i want without regrets. mostly. especially if i know i won't see them again. or soon. that's why i lvoe usy regional events. i am crazy. slutty. i don't give much of a fuck what people think about me. that's where i finally related to alana. she was talkative while rebecca sat and didn't talk to anyone. i have friends there. i am surrounded with people who are fascinated with me. and i am captivated with the fact people like me-uncensored. i can't do that at school. there are to many judging eye. prying personalities. i feel if i let loose, i wouldn't be able to contain myself again. i let loose last year. and look what it got me. a fucking eating disorder, a giant fucking scar, and a nice fucking shrink. no one understands, yet everyone understands. i know naomi does. she feels the same way (correct me if i'm wrong, dear). park has so many judging people. i love it there, and would never go to another high school, but many of the people make me feel uncomfortable. and caged. i feel at times, there's an animal-a cat-stretching inside of me. wanted to show itself. but i can't. because i'd be judged.
i surround myself with the guys in my grade. my mom thinks it's a slutty thing to do-hang out with all the guys. but i feel more comfortable with them than most of the girls. even if i can't totally be myself with them either, i can relax more, let down my guard. even though they probably talk shit about me too, i don't care. i'm just a paranoid little girl, who doesn't know where she belongs. but will i ever know? probably not. so i try to find a hole where i can bury myself in the surroundings of something a little familiar. at my old school, i was friends with all of the guys. but i was a different person then. i was naive. and young. but nonetheless, i was friends with all of the boys. but i had friends that were girls too.
so now i probably sound like some self pitying loser. maybe i am. i dont feel that way. i just feel insecure. unsheltered. it's all better in the long run though. if i went to beth tfiloh, i'd have the same friends, who don't do shit, and then i'd get a shock in college. but i'm at park. the shock's now kids.
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wow-its been a while hasnt it. lots has happened. heh. i went out to tb (taco bell not tuberculosos or however you spell it) with adam. i had such a great time. then we went back to his car and drove around for a little while till we finally parked and hood up. i gave him head. the next day was the hfstival. i went with naomi. we saw him. he was drunk. it was funny. we got high. its was fun. we got split up. i was still high. ran into my dad. flipped out. bands were good. w/e. a few days later adam tells me he doesnt think we should hook up anymore. makes NO sense to me. but again w/e. yesterday i found out that was the day he asked his CURRENT GIRLFRIEND OUT. i mean. its weird cuz i still feel just as strongly about him (in the same way) as i did before. and i understand what he tells me and his reasoning and everything. its just weird. and awkward. and he told he he still has the same feelings for me. we'll see about that.
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Wednesday, May 14th, 2003
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MUSIC SPED CLASS QUOTES!!!!!!!!!!!:
ANDREW: ITS MAGNIFICENT!
ADELE: its ready for more. . .
ME: its the boobs liza.
LIZA: wait! what? his or mine??
ADELE: so you stole that from beethoven. . .he's dead and all, but still!
ANDREW: adele, i really have to pee. . .
JESSE: (pretends to do a strip tease behind adele)
ADELE: jesse, keep your shirt on.
ANDREW: ewwww you have bee guts on your foot!
JESSE: are you implying that im FAT?!
ADELE: jake, no laying down on the floor. unless you are doing a centerfold for some magazine we dont know about. . .
RACHEL KUTLER: my mom thinks bill mack is hot
ME: that makes me want to die.
JESSE: YOU'RE GOING DOWN CHARLIE BROWN!!!
ANDREW: i want the BIGGEST one!
ME: are you trying to compensate for something?
ME: i feel like donny osmand!
LIZ: im sped, i mean spedcial
ADELE: okay children! from silence!
JESSE: (plays bells really loud)
JESSE: my acronym is amazing! "Gay Boys Do Fuck Assholes"
ME: MINES BETTER!! "Gay Boys [dont want to make people mad here]
ANDREW: why is this going on here?! god i have to pee!
JESSE: i like clubs. i like strip clubs. when im 18 im gonna work there!
JESSE: (about his hat) LOOK! its white! NOW its blue!
LIZA: ow fuck jesse that hurt!
JESSE: it was jenna!!!
LIZA: jenna wouldnt snap my BRA!
JESSE: oh yes she would! look how guilty she looks!!
JESSE: ow! why are you ben rowland jewish thingying my foot?!
ANDREW: it would be the funniest broken bone ever!
JAKE: wait, liza, why didnt you trade bras with naomi? oh, haha!
ADELE: and who are YOU?
JESSE: isnt that your son?
ME: he was bad taste on my part
LIZ: wait, you taste bad or does he?
ADELE: i have problems with avril lavigne. . . each and every one of you could do what shes doing. . . except jesse.
ANDREW: dont hit me! dont hit me!
JESSE: what are you gonna do ben rowland jewish thingy me?!
ANDREW: those two notes dont sound good together. not just becasue im singing jesse.
JAKE: was your dads ex wife blackish indian?
JESSE: jake, my dads ex wife had nothing to do with my birth.
ANDREW: is this the ben rowland jew thing?? thanks adele! oh boy!
ANDREW: im piano challenged
LIZ: im life challenged
ANDREW: im challenged
LIZ: noandrew you're brian challenged.
ANDREW: no.
LIZ: yes.
ANDREW: i swear i'll BEN ROWLAND JEW CLIP THINGY YOU!
JESSE: why am i scary?? now am i scary??? boo.
ANDREW: JESSE?! is that the middl finger!? cause i know you wouldnt be giving ME the middle finger on the back of your head jesse!
JESSE: it doesnt sound right when you play it!
ADELE: thank you.
JESSE: the computer makes it sound so much better!
JESSE: (to me) you're mean. (to liz) you're cool.
ME: thats cause shes rich
TOM: she is???
LEWIS: (reffering to my written down quotes page) am i on that?
ME: why you dont talk.
ANDREW: jesse, do you remember the shower incident?
JESSE: HOW COULD I FORGET?! YOU PICKED THE LOCK TO THE BATHROOM TO SEE ME NAKED!
ANDREW: no to steal your clothes.
LIZ: gay couples. . .tsk.
LIZA: adele watch out. jesses doing a strip tease behind you.
ADELE: (horrified face)
JESSE: i took everything out of andrews bag and put it in mine!
ANDREW: (does not notice for about 30 minutes while liz and i procede to laugh like insane ragin cacti for the rest of class)
NATALIE: i cant take a shower until tomorrow
EVERYONE: ew.
ADELE: (about a 50 cent song) ive just taken to assume theres a lot of language or sexual favors.
NATALIE (i think): ooh this is hit #2! where hes in the prison paddywagon!
JESSE: he was shot like 9 times in the face
ADELE: it gives him a lot of appeal
JESSE: ooh that is such a good song! they use it in good movies! like jackass!
ADELE: oh! this is the one i heard in the car with my daughter! i think its about presents!
ANDREW: country is bad for the soul
ADELE: tom do you have your song?
TOM: andrew didnt tell me about it when he gave me the homework
ADELE: i like to blame things on andrew too.
JESSE: Do you know what the BEST music station is? 92.7. its the spanish station! its all spanish-all the time! these people have been promoted from like construction workers!
ADELE: and whats this song called?
BONNIE: under the sea
JESSE: OOH! i threw up to this movie once. then my baby sitter made me clean it up.
LIZ: you have arnaldo?! im jealous like a penis in a rock candy!
ME: he's hiding like a little mouse. pitterpatterpitterpatter.
NATALIE: ALL MY COWS GO DOWN ALONG EACH BARN!
ME AND LIZ: cows go down on the barn? gross.
JESSE: my grandparents wont let me download anything. they were like "you cant download anything!" cause last time i downloaded full length movies. not pornos though.
ME: liz, i just drew a random penis on your notes. . .
ANDREW: oh god stop kicking up my butthole
ME: hahahahahaha (sped laugh) i just wrote ld instead of bl!
ADELE: i dont know, i just picture castles. . .
JESSE: another acronym that kicks ass! Gay Dykes Always Eat Big Fat Cooters.
ADELE: ew. dont bleed on the carpet, its new!
JESSE: isnt it Mozart Sebastian?
ADELE: no jesse.
LIZ: dear god, im surrounded by pure sped.
ME: wait jesse. are you talking about the music or michael scuritto?
ADELE: jesse, its so much more fun when you are in front of me. . .
JESSE: no andrew, that ones towards liza.
LIZ: haha! blonde! they dont have more fun!
JESSE: i already got into vocal chords!
LIZ: im gonna take a shower tonight
ME AND LIZA: WHAT!?!??!?!?!
JESSE: liza, andrew would kill you. he'd say something like, 'Liza, does putting your foot on my chair have anything to do with music? i try to get people in trouble, but im emotionless!'
JAKE: the man wrote gooch for G!
JESSE: (to me) look! (shows me his NEWEST acronym): Fat Cocks Gooch Duches Assholes Everybody.
RACHEL KUTLER: THERES A LIZZIE MCGUIRE MOVIE?!
ME: our class is pure sped. . . that summmmaerizesir it. i cant spell summe-sum-summmaryiz-sum sounds like cum.
ME: RAPE!
JESSE: im not even touching her!
ME: yes, rape lewis!
LEWIS: NO RAPE!
ADELE: He had his last kid at the age of 61, one of his grandkids was older than one of his kids!
JESSE: the remedy for SARS is campbells soup, nyquill, and sprite. i heard it from south park.
ADELE: natalie, do you have a piano?
NATALIE: its horribly out of tune
ADELE: how do you know?
NATALIE: your daughter told me.
JESSE: did he really get into vocal chords??
ME: WHAT?!
JESSE: i mean 8th notes. i mean vocal chords. i mean 8th notes. i mean-
ME: stop. you're digging yourself a deeper hole.
ANDREW: so what were you guys talking about in class?
ME: jesse with your bag.
ANDREW: BUT! what does that have to do with. . .you know. . . that time of the month?
LIZ: nothing.
ANDREW: i hate you guys.
ME: sp-e-ed-s-ppp-e-d-p-s-e-p-p-p-eee-d-spppe-ds-esp-sp
LIZ: rachel, that is sped in and of itself
JESSE: first, i'd like to apologizeto gabbi for having to work with me and andrew.
ME: ::cough::
LIZ: couple
ANDREW: are you making fun of asians??
JESSE: no, i mena, she is. i mean, that little girl just went like this (pulls eyes) and yellled something about SARS
ME: god, i am such a bad jew. . . im writting god's real name out on a paper that i intend to throw away. im rebelling against the shul, yo.
LIZ: oh my god, write that down.
ADELE: (AFTER WE CLAP) okay everyone, lets do these TWO times each. i know you can do it.
LIZ: we were supposed to do them TWO times?
JESSE: HEY LIZA! we were both accoutered like young men!
LIZA: i find out i missed a lot while i was in the bathroom.
ME: liz, do you know troupe
LIZ: mercha, tipcha, degas
ME: that is the most sped thing i think i have ever heard.
ANDREW AND JESSE IN UNISON: Handel; so hot right now; Handel.
ME: (to jesse and andrew) you guys are a married couple.
ME: jesse shut up or i'll stick your abusive husband on you!
JESSE: shut up woman!
ME: such the bitch
LIZA: guys i have an announcement
ANDREW: liza wants me
JESSE: well liza, youre just gonna have to wait your turn.
ME: I HAVE LIZA BOOB ON MY ARM! I HAVE LIZA BOOB ON MY ARM!
ANDREW: rachel, you touch her boobs way too much.
JESSE: (sings)
ME: jesse, you sound like a dying giraffe.
LIZ: aw, look, rachel, you made him sad!
ME: (laughs) jesse, what? are you giving me the finger? huh? why are you rubbing your middle finger all over your face? has that been us andrews bumhole what?
JESSE: (german accent) anflenm jews i haten
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oh dear god. . .its true. well maybe. at least part is.
Columbia
You've worn all black since you were nine and knew,
even as a nine year old living in nowheresville
that you were a New Yorker at heart. Well, you
wont make it in the big city. I'm sorry tike.
Still, have fun while it lasts, because the
rumor is, most Columbia students don't.
Which Ivy League University is right for YOU?
brought to you by Quizilla
heh. well anyways. had a nice long chat with adam. seems he was worried bout the same things i was. i mean the fact that he was worried must mean that he wants something for the near future, or else he woul just drop it you know? he wanted to make sure i wasnt some slut who goes out and has sex everyweekend with a different guy. speaking of sex.
Liza: its been two months!
Liz: wat?!
Me: SINCE YOUVE HAD SEX!? wow. thats a long time!
Liz:WHAT!?!??!
Liza: no since she washed her hair!
Liz: NUHUH! i washed it last friday
Me: ::touches lizs hair::
Liza: ewwwwwww
Me: no.
Liz: ?
Me: two and a half!
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i reallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreally like him. a lot. ::cries:: i want him to ask me out so badly, but i dont think he will. but i dont know. i mean. there must be SOME attraction, right? or else we wouldnt have done what we did. i mean he did follow me back to MY room. i've liked him for a long time. off and on. you know, like when i saw him i just wanted to get to know him and be with him. mucho. and i mean. its just. hes so sweet. that i dont think he would use me for play. but hes a guy. i cant read guys well. too hard to decipher. hes such a sweetie. but is that a facade? and i mean we are going to go out somewhere. but we're not going out. Lauren says i should ask him out. im too much of a pussy. and way to insecure. i hate getting turned down. nathan andorsky turned me down. urg. ::Dies:: im never going to get anywhere if i dont do something. btu where to begin. i dont know!. i cant do it. but i want to so badly. we have so much in common. and. ive just waited so long to just throw this away.
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arggggggg. im sick. and dying anyway. my fucking mom never let me go back to the towson festival. FUCK HERR. and now my dear sweet chris has moved to annapolis. ::cries:: there is nothing left in this world for me. my mom finally is letting me take the ADD test. which is good. yes. i might finally begin to get the mass amounts of medication i need. but i have to go to my doctor in like 5 minutes. i have a fever and shit and i am delerious. (and you ask how do i write on my lj while being delerious?) i have no fucking clue. im about to pass out. but i wanted to vent about missing the festival. ::fucks chris:: (no ty not YOUR chris). he has a beautiful gothic tattoo that says death before love on his arm. and then one on his ankle that is a skull with bat wings. god. i dont truly want to write about my slef destructive activites of last night. lets just say i may have blood poisoning. . .
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dear god. i havent heard that song in the longest time. i hope it stays that way. but that doent mean it cant get implanted in your fucking mind just from looking at yellow feathers and then thinking "yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to there." so anyways, ally and i went to the towson festival yesterday. it was fun-i met ty's chris! yes, he is sexy ty. i dont pick the sexy ones. well sometimes-but they dont really pick me. a lot. i hope they do. heh. but ANYWAYS! lol. he knew who i was. im scared. and flattered. ty doesnt even know how he knew woh i was. AND he was drunk AND high. so it's even more amazing. :-D. we're going back today to hang out with a different chris. a 22 year old chris we met at lee's ice cream. he was working there. he has like 5 tattoos and a tongue ring. hes sexy. heh. now we are going to stah-books. we were there yesterday. with brennan. god i have to many possible bfs. im scared. i will never choose one. then i will lose al of my best guy friends all together. except for the ones who dont like me like that.
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hahahahhhHAHAHHAHAHASPEDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hdhehehehed. ::BIG SHIFT EYES:: yes. eys. yess.
I'm the cam whore of Livejournal!
Why do people read your Livejournal?
brought to you by Quizilla
LIZ IS NOT EVEN A CAMWHORE AND I DO NOT EVEN OWN A CAMERA! heh. i have a sucky ass scanner. . .attached to the computer without the internet
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today, was, well, too todayish for me. my friends are mad at me again, for reasons i dont really know. and i feel alone. but i guess its just angst. maybe i truly am alone. i know i have people who love me but sometimes it isnt enough. i feel bitchy saying that, but its true. if they did care for me they should show it once and a while. they only show me when i am mid-nervous breakdown and they are like "rachel, honey, we love you. we are here for you." i dont want to feel egocentric and like steal them away from their other friends, but eating lunch with a big group of people, sometimes i feel even more alone, than if i was truly alone. i feel lost. my best friend is moving away and i want her to leave on good terms with me, but for some reason, i dont know why, i feel like she hates me. i know she will read this and either be a) mad or b) say she doesnt. so i am just sitting here unsure whether to actually include this part. and i feel like a coward for not confronting her about whats wrong. sometimes i just cant. i get nervous. people intimidate me. rachel-the bold, extroverted, friendly girl IS intimidated by, well, people in general. can never say what i want, do what i want, sometimes think what i want. everything has to be for others. i always have to think about what they want or how they will look at me. fuck, i deleted my old screenname because i was called a "poser" by some asshole kid i never even met. i guess i am a poser though; i shouldn't be self conscience. i am a poser of self conscientiousness. i hate me.
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i have been saying the strangest exclamatories today. . .HOLY FUCKLORDS! well now, i need to sya it LOUD AND FUCKING CLEAR. My ex, dumped me, (i know this sounds reeeeaaaalllllyy concided, but personally, i dont know why)after we had sex, saying that our relationship was too heavy a burden.
A) he was the one who suggested we have sex
B) sex is a big thing (i guess. . .)
C) he knows that, every single fucking person knows that. . .IF HE THOUGHT IT WOULD GET TOO HEAVY THEN HE SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD SEX WITH ME.
i was fine with the "heaviness," hell i didnt even feel a burden. but he was struggling. so he called me one saturday afternoon and he sounded upset. so i asked him what was wrong. he said nothing. i said are you depressed. his response: "Rachel...i am ALWAYS depressed." that means to me "hmph, fuck you. my problems are WAAAYY bigger than yours so i have to be a stuck up asshole about it and make me seem far more important that you. . ." so that was that. then i started to cut again. i told me closest friends about the "breakup" that monday at school. during lunch he approached me and rudely says "why are you telling people i dumped you?!" i said, because, you did. "Well, rachel. you really have your thoughts on dumping skewed. i asked to take a break. for a while." "B, that is a nice way of saying fuck you. . . " i knew he still liked me and all. i was just really hurt. i mean, imagine if i was pregnant. that would be more of a fucking burden. but, im not, thank god. so today, i get these messages while i was at an audition for a play:
BFein88 (5:09:38 PM): i've been considering asking you out again, and today i was actually writing a poem about it, but i realize it would first be awkward and then painful considering how things seem to have ended, so right now i'm not sure what to do. i figure the right person to go to about this would be you, but i'm not really sure how to present myself, which makes me feel quite uncomfortable considering i usually am able to express myself. i guess i'm searching for some sort of closure or re-opening of the matter....
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Auto response from d0LLh0u5Eminx (5:09:38 PM):
I am so distant myself
I guess I never believed
that you could take it away
and I'd have no time to grieve
I don't believe in TV
I don't believe in the fear
When you are searching for stars
You will be looking right here
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BFein88 (5:09:49 PM): because it hardly seems finished
Session concluded at 6:09:16 PM
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BFein88 (9:08:03 PM): i think i left something out earlier...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Auto response from d0LLh0u5Eminx (9:08:03 PM):
You're so predictable no shadow of doubt
when you are suffering know who sold you out
Fuck your opinions
Fuck your lack of spine
When you are miserable
Know that I'm just fine
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BFein88 (9:10:13 PM): because i'm relatively aware that i have no chance in hell of being with you...oh...let's just say pretty much ever again? i guess i'll put it this way: at least tell me that, because i could use the closure. i would be honored if you would have the stomach to speak to me because i am aware i am somewhat less than a pitiful specimen --- maybe even make eye contact with me? thank you for your time
BFein88 signed off at 9:47:05 PM.
BFein88 signed off at 9:47:17 PM.
Session concluded at 10:28:47 PM
again. HOLY FUCKING CHRIST. so heres my reasoning, to this randomness. i mean he hadnt said a afucking word to me since the monday after. and all of the sudden THIS?! okay. so i was eating lunch at hte emd of the hall with Jamie and Sarah and he and Jesse, Jake C, and Tom walk by. i had been cracking up, and happened to be wearing lack thereof [clothing]. he saw me happy, realized how FUCKING LONELY AND MISERABLE he was without me. and also, saw how i had gotten over him. this didnt rest well with him. he didnt WANT me to get over him. so now he needed to create an unrest in ME and make ME feel like a bitch for turning him down. because there is no way in hell i am dating him again. here are mine AND my friends responses. LIZ:
echomynarcissism: grrr
echomynarcissism: kill
echomynarcissism: kill
echomynarcissism: kill
echomynarcissism: kill
echomynarcissism: illlko
d0LLh0u5Eminx: lol
echomynarcissism: actually
echomynarcissism: the second part
echomynarcissism: it makes sense
echomynarcissism: he does have a point
d0LLh0u5Eminx: yea i know
d0LLh0u5Eminx: ubt he has SOME nerve
echomynarcissism: if it's over, just let it be.
echomynarcissism: ya know
echomynarcissism: yes
echomynarcissism: he is still a buttmunch
d0LLh0u5Eminx: but i stil lneed to tell him that and hes like "eye contact" WTF?!?!
echomynarcissism: but he's a buttmunch with a good point
echomynarcissism: btw yer profile is cool
d0LLh0u5Eminx: i tried to talk to him and he ignored me because he wasnt ready to talk to him! he never thinks about how I feel i had to wait to talk to him becasue he wasnt ready. he sends me that shit with the hopes that i WILL be ready. which im not, never actually going to be. and god, hes just, hes a coward. he could have told me that in person NUMEROUS times during the day!
echomynarcissism: yes
echomynarcissism: he could have
echomynarcissism: and he is
echomynarcissism: but at least you recognize it
d0LLh0u5Eminx: god
d0LLh0u5Eminx: i cant believe i was so blind
echomynarcissism: ...i'm listening to mmbop
echomynarcissism: *kills self*
i love her, waaaaayyyy too much for my own good. :-D. ::kisses to lizziepoo::but aaaarrrgggggg. i mean. he is ignorant of my feelings. i think hes an ass. he should realize that. i mean, i have enough on my fucking plate already. my dad having an affair, my parents seperation, my cousins brain tumor, two of my best friends switching school next year, school work, hebrew school, and a hell of a lot more that i dont feel like mentioning, i dont need to feel fucknig sympathectic for him! NAOMI:
BuTTeRCUPgal 18: ahhhh
BuTTeRCUPgal 18: om gomgogomgogt
BuTTeRCUPgal 18: dhf.,ASUGdlfwjFEhWik
BuTTeRCUPgal 18: ok im done
BuTTeRCUPgal 18: whoa grovellin g much
BuTTeRCUPgal 18: ?
god, he needs to get a life, and get out of mine.
P.S. i just stepped in my dogs shit walking to the bathroom. got hes seven, he should be house trained.
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xrachelpaigex's journal